The Humble Line
I have had many conversations regarding being humble vs. egotistic. Being good and confident in what you do and being cocky. Obviously one side is better to be on than the other. And you would rather have someone think of you as humble than egotistic and the same goes for confident or cocky, right?
Now there seems to be a lot of grey area on this subject, the middle ground seems to be quite large as to when you cross the line and when you haven't. When you start to gloat about how good you are, or were, as opposed to just confident and good at what you do, or have done in the past.
I think this grey area is definable and at least able to narrow down the subject of being humble or cocky a bit more. And what I mean by that is that this grey area is completely subjective to each person in the way that it is defined by his or her own definition of egotistical vs. humble. This didn't become apparent to me until I had a conversation last week about what someone else viewed as egotistic and not confident, and that their view was completely different than my own. We used an example about another person and how good they were at a particular sport. (should be easy for everyone to relate to this) I thought this person was good at what they did and were also confident that they played it well. Where as my counter-arguer thought the other person was being egotistical because they knew they were better and acted as such. (Basically they liked to talk about the good games they had with others)
This is where I started to think about why some people put alot more people in the ego category than in the humble category. It's almost as if some people refrain from using the word humble to describe someone for only a select few? The chosen extreme humble ones, and that all the other ones got thrown into the grey area or all the way into the ego category. What's up with that? I felt as though it was a mild attack on people with confidence. And more so that if you knew you were good at something you couldn't be confident in it... or you run the risk of looking cocky or over confident.
Where is that grey line again?
So I started to think a bit more about this and one of my friends told me the other day that their definition of egotism vs confidence is simple. It's like this: Confidence is when you are good at something and know it, but don't use that to make yourself more superior than others. You don't tell others that you are better than someone else because you are better at a certain sport, photography, cooking, etc. If you know it, that's cool, and it's even cool to share your big victories and good things you have done or even won, but as soon as you start to think that you are better than another person, (possibly someone who is less gifted) then that's where it crosses into egotistical. When you think you are a better 'person' because of your god given talent, etc. That's when it crosses from one side to another.
And to me that was a good explanation and definition of confident vs. humble. I don't think you should ever suppress the victories you have achieved or the goals or events you have won, but I also don't think that you should make others feel inadequate that you can do one thing better than them. It should more sharing than a 'look at me' festival.
Maybe the difference is talking about it vs. gloating about it? Or maybe you know a person that always has to be first and never wants to show a weakness? It could even be in the way you say it? I don't know, but either way there is a fine line between being humble and being egotistical, and I think how you define the two is ultimately going to lead to what side you will be on when listening to someone else's story about the game winning goal they scored.
My question: Do you find more people egotistical or just plain confident? And is your view a reflection on you? (Maybe you are less fortunate at sports, so when you see a good athlete and they talk about how well they did, you feel a bit jealous? Just a thought)
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And just as a side note, have you ever had the girl or guy that comes around and just looks for the compliments that they know you will dish out time and time again? Why do we always tell them good job, or tell them how good they look? Some of us are really good ego 'strokers' at times.. oops.
Posted in: Boundaries, ego, egotistical, grey area, humble, improvements, random thought on Friday, July 10, 2009 at at 1:42 PM
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@ sidenote :
i praise ego strokers. there are not that many honest ones around. we need those people to put a cherry on ur sundae once in a while too!!. they r also "attention whores" in a way because if they know they r not stroking someone's ego the right way, or that person is getting annoyed, they will also go and find someone else who will actually enjoy that. nothing wrong with that.
why we do that in relationships?? arent we in them because of that in first place?? like any girl, i would not stay with a guy who wasnt making me feel special in that way,assuming there is a good give/take balance. cant imagine a relationship without ego stroking actually.
I gloat sometimes, especially when I am annoyed.. and I know it's wrong.
This fights constantly with the other side of me which is trying to improve as a Christian. In that, being humble is giving honor to Christ in what I do.
Funny you write this. I've been thinking a lot about this very thing the past week during my service trip in Chicago. I think we tend to like confident people, because they make things happen, and can institute change.
At the risk of sounding like Ned Flanders constantly in your blog, Jesus delivered a sermon about this very subject, what we know as the Beatitudes.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."
So why does Jesus teach reversed values here? I think it's because he wants to dispute the conventional wisdom which seem to place wealth, influence, and "cockiness" abouve God's blessings. Jesus wanted us to see that material things are only temporary, and that cockiness is not a good way to live -- and certainly not the only reality. Jesus wanted people to see that spiritual wealthiness surpasses our own constructs.